The Arkansas River “Dave” Fellowship

Given quarterly to a Southern-born limericist who lives in (note: not “on”—see our FAQ) the Arkansas River. Residents must live underwater in Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, or Arkansas. Must be named Dave (note: not “David”—see our FAQ). 

The George R. Herman Award 

The George R. Herman Society of Altoona, Pa., invites fiction writers, nonfiction writers, and poets to send thirty pages of work that directly honor the life of George R. Herman, a Blair County resident. Please submit your George R. Herman–based work by May 25, 2015. Prize: $50,000. Entry fee: $90. Judge: George R. Herman. 

Award for Excellence in Writing and Parenting

Seeking parents of one or more children under the age of five who demonstrate excellence in both writing and parenting. Given annually to no one because nobody with children that age is any good at either. 

Aging Teen Grant

Aging teenagers with five or more years’ experience in the art of reverse graffiti are welcome to apply for 1st- ($1,500), 2nd- ($500), or 3rd-place ($300) prizes. Applicants should submit a resume, ten images of current work, and definitions of what they think “aging teen” and “reverse graffiti” mean. (We’re a little fuzzy ourselves.) Nobody has won—or applied for—this grant, and it’s a good thing because we ran out of funding in 2006. 

Baltimore–Pittsburgh “Interesting” Grant 

The City of Pittsburgh awards $300 annually to one fiction writer who lives in the Baltimore-metro area but roots for teams from Pittsburgh—preferably because “it’s a long story, but my dad grew up in Pittsburgh, and . . .” Please provide a description of your allegiance to Pittsburgh teams in the “bio” section along with an author photo (must be wearing a #87 Sidney Crosby Penguins jersey and a mustard-yellow Willie Stargell–era Pirates hat). 

JoAnn Fabric Residency 

Awarded to anyone of any artistic discipline (need not be fabrics) who can squat at the mostly empty desk with a single piece of cobalt yarn and scary pair of orange scissors in the back of any going-out-of-business JoAnn location and pursue their art for as long as they can before Brigitte passes by a third time and asks if they need any help. Not available at this time because somebody’s already sitting there, but maybe try the dressing room in T.J. Maxx? 

The One Where You Don’t Have to Reside in a Certain State

This $1,500 / month grant will be awarded to a poet, memoirist, or fiction writer from any state in the U.S. who shows your-level of competence in writing and doesn’t even necessarily have any qualifications except liking to write and talking about other residencies they’ve been to. Applicants can just sort of send us a loose email about wanting the award. Deadline: yesterday. 

The Don DeLillo Prize

Tired of restrictions on writers’ grants? The Antioch Foundation of Washington, D.C., awards $150,000 annually to a fiction writer, nonfiction writer, memoirist, playwright, or poet living in the United States, Mexico, or Canada whose work—even loosely—reflects the values and style of award-winning author Don DeLillo. Send us five pages of any genre written within the last twenty years. No entry fee. Must be Don DeLillo. 

The “Jack Kerouac Experience” Residency 

Scraping the bottom of the barrel? Remember, your aunt Winnie still has that guest room you can write in, like Sal Paradise in On the Road. But unlike Paradise’s aunt (who was based on Kerouac’s mom), Aunt Winnie is intensely interested in your writing—and, like, always home. Think about it, though. Could be good, actually. Update: She just leased it to a grad student. 

The Hoboken “Your Apartment” Residency

You still have your apartment, right? And isn’t your apartment a sort of residency in itself? All it entails is you sitting in a chair or at a desk and trying to write something. How is that different from “unemployment”? It isn’t! But hey, any residency’s better than no residency, right? 

MacDowell

I mean, you can apply . . . Anybody can apply . . .